are you who you want to be?

You get up in the morning, throw on a pot of coffee, sit down to breakfast, jump in the shower, and drive to work or class and you wonder what it all really means; you wonder if this is the life you really want to be living; you wonder how you ended up in the day to day, mundane routine that you vowed you’d never fall into.

Was it the enticing security of the paycheck? Was it the praise from others? Was it the hope of a great job upon graduation? Was it because you were too fearful to do anything else? Was it parents’ or significant others’ expectations for who you should be?

Do you even really know your self? Do you know what you want? Do you know who you want to be? Or are you drifting along, discontent but not sure how to change anything? Numbing yourself to the pain or frustration with friends, relationships, parties, busy schedules, workout routines, hobbies, this and that. You lead a full life. But you find it all very empty.

You tell yourself you’ll figure it out tomorrow.

And one week blurs into another. You live for the weekends, but they pass too swiftly.

You have dreams but you shelve them; you have hopes but you don’t dare hope them; you have desires but you curtail them. And before you know it, you settle. And you convince yourself you’re living a fulfilling life.

But the silence doesn’t deceive. In the silence, your heart and mind scream discontent at you; so you seek to drone out the silence with noise and activity, and you exhaust yourself.

Until you hit a brick wall: maybe your job ends, maybe a relationship fails, maybe what you sought turned out to be empty, and you wonder what it is you are searching for. You find yourself always waiting for the next “thing” in life. Somehow, unconsciously, you’re hoping that will provide the fulfillment and peace your soul is searching for.

In the meantime, your alarm clock goes off and you roll over and hit the ”snooze” button.

You’ll figure it all out tomorrow.

Christen Patterson
February 2007